Dinner

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Happy Friday!

I was searching the inter-webs the other day and came across this recipe for miso broccoli sweet potato bowl. Holy yum, that is all I can say. The sauce us amazing and really needs a food processor or stick blender. Put this on EVERYTHING! Above is the before and after. My tummy was SO happy that night.

Enjoy the weekend and be well!

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4 whole years

This post is late, based on all of the craziness that has been going on I did not post this when I wanted to. So let’s pretend today is November 7th ok?

photoJ is an amazing man, he is so loving, hard working, creative, skilled, funny, and strong. During all of these tests, treatments, and trying times he has been a rock. I am so in love with him and I am so happy that we have built a strong marriage. When things get tough, and they have many times this past year, I know we will work through it. We are a team and it only gets better.

So to my husband…you are my heart.

 

Dealing and happiness

So after hearing that we would not be able to have a biological child from the both of us I spent the weekend in tears talking with our families and trying to decide what and how I felt about options and the future.

I know that for some talking about it with family is hard and seems overly personal. For J and I we know that we have support and we relish the fact that we are close enough to talk about the hard things. I cannot tell you how much it helps to talk about it. It shows that we have nothing to hide that we are strong together and that we just need love and support. I know we are super lucky and some people could be met with judgement and shame from their families. To that I say find a friend that you trust, find a wellness coach to talk with:) Just talk with someone. Not everyone will know how you feel or what it is like to want something so bad for so long. But, I still think that talking about it will help deal with all of the confusing and depressing thoughts. That, and give yourself permission to cry, get angry, and be upset for a short time.

Once you have felt all the feelings and cried a good ugly cry then decide. Try and decide how you want to deal with things, and how you want to live your life. Don’t get me wrong, none of this is easy and none of it makes it go away. What this does is allow you to focus on other things like all of the amazing parts of you that have nothing to do with fertility.

Last weekend I laughed and joked and smiled. I can say that I am in a good mood this week. Thoughts still pop up into my mind, especially when I see a mother and child. I know that these are the cards we have been dealt right now and that I can choose to succumb to the negativity or I can try my hardest to focus on the positives. Positive psychology basically states that when a person starts to talk or think about positive things in life more positive thoughts, emotions, and actions follow.

Try it, just think of one positive thing. It can be small and simple, but find something. Then find one more, this will continue until you have a list of things that make you smile or feel just a teensy bit better. It is a small step but it is so necessary to start feeling good.

As always, be well.

Answers

So we started to see a reproductive endocrinologist, and after a month of blood tests, one small surgery, some Clomid, and husband being tested we met with our doctor to piece all of the information together.

We were sitting there and he basically said that I have POF (premature ovarian failure). My ovaries are working so much harder than they should for a woman at 29 and they are not producing eggs. He told us that there is 1% chance that IVF would work with my eggs as the quality is in question and that he does not think we could get viable eggs from me. This is also why he thinks we had the two miscarriages. Most miscarriages are due to genetic abnormalities. BAM.

I was sitting there holding Jamin’s hand and thinking that I will never be able to create life with him. That I cannot have children of my own. I was thinking about everything that seemed to be taken away from me in that one moment. I was crying and upset and shell shocked to say the least. We were so ready to have him say that IVF was our only choice. Now the bottom has fallen out from under us and we were being told that our only option is adoption or egg donor. What?! I am twentyninefreakingyearsold, WTF.

To say we were crushed is not really accurate. The best word that I could come up with all weekend was heart-broken. As a little girl I had always known that I wanted to have kids. Even more now that I am older and interested in health and being fit. I want to experience being pregnant and giving birth, to see how amazing the human body is. All I could think was that the love that J and I share would not be able to make a child, create a life that is a piece of each of us. That right there broke my heart into a million pieces.

Next: Dealing with choices and being happy with this life

 

Start at the beginning

Oh man, I do not even know where to start. I suppose from the beginning is a good place. There is a lot of woman and cycle and fertility talk coming up so hold on to your ovaries ladies (and gents? if you are out there).

January 2012 I stopped taking BC pills and we decided to start to try for a family. In order for that to happen you need 3 things a woman, her cycle and a man. We had 2 of the three. I did not get my period after stopping BC. Months past and I started to see an acupuncturist as well as research on my own. I self diagnosed post pill amenhorea. I knew that I was healthy , ate well, and exercised (6 days a week). I was not super skinny and had normal BMI. This happened for months, I started basal charting to see where my temps were and they were all over.

Fast forward to late September, after a wonderful road trip we came home and started living again. All of the sudden my temps shot up to 98 and stayed there for 2 weeks. This was odd so I decided to test, the first test looked like a + then we tested again for sure +. I still had not had a cycle and I was pregnant. I went to the Dr and confirmed, we were so happy! We went in for an ultrasound and the tech could not find anything because it was so early. I started to feel like a pregnant lady, it was amazing. Then my Dr wanted to take a HCG blood draw Tuesday and Thursday, the numbers were supposed to double. They decreased I was going to have a miscarriage. My first period in 8 months was a miscarriage. Fast forward to November I started to cycle about 35 days. We started to really target ovulation and come the end of January my temps were up again. The day my period was due we tested, +. Then I went to the bathroom and there was some blood. 2nd miscarriage lasted about 1 month of slow spotting. Heart broken.

From there we tried acupuncture again, more herbal supplements and a Naturopath. My cycles were way off still. Finally we were told that we should see a reproductive endocrinologist. That was last month and we have learned a lot in the past month, it is hard because I still have faith in my body but we need to move to a more Western approach.

*Many more things took place during this time but this is the best overview I could give.

Tomorrow: Digesting news and wrapping my head around things