May you

May you leave this year behind with love and learning,

May you welcome the new year with open arms and hearts,

May you choose to follow your true self,

May you walk with pride for where you are and were you will be,

May you show yourself (and others) acceptance,

May you be well.

Happy new year!

What actually changes?

I am waiting, I feel like I have been waiting for a year now. For something great to happen, to get a new job that I am passionate about, to get pregnant and carry a baby to full term, to get a house, to be a better me, on and on. I have been waiting for 2014.

So what really changes when the clock strikes midnight on December 31st? Nothing and everything. To me this year especially brings a fresh start after a rough 2013. I am looking at this as a new beginning with understanding and acceptance of myself and my position in life. I know that I will not wake up on January 1st pregnant in a new house owning by own business. I get that.

What will change is my perception on 2013. I hold gratitude for the lessons that I have learned this year. For some of the most difficult times in my life to date. I appreciate these things now because I am stronger and I know how to accept myself where I am. I am choosing to perceive 2014 as a fresh page in my journal. I have the choice of how I react to life and all that is thrown my way. I am learning to choose positivity and love, support and family. I am choosing to do everything I can to be a healthy human inside and out not only for myself but for the child that I will grow. I am choosing to be a wife that supports and loves, a sister that is present, a cousin that keeps in touch, a friend that can be vulnerable.

These things are not easy because you have to constantly think about them, think about who you want to be in this world and if you are living up to your standards and no one else’s. It is a challenge that should not be called a resolution but a lifestyle and choice.

So if I do not make it back before 2014, what choices are you making? How can you be your best human being in 2014? I would love to hear.

Ring in the new year with love and light. Be well.

 

Tis the season

We are smack in the middle of the holiday season. Lights are glowing, trees are lit, people are crazy busy. What! This time of year there is so much intensity around the shopping, partying, eating, drinking, and getting it all done.

xmas

I admit, I am one of those people who feels behind this year, I am not sure why but I feel less prepared and ready for Christmas than I have before. Our tree went up late, and we still have a few gifts to shop for. BUT…

We all need to take a moment, take three breaths and calm down. This is the season to be thankful, to feel love and light, to be warmed by family. No matter what is on the list the best present we can give each other is love, understanding, and compassion .

Compassion…not only for others but for yourself. Think about it, we usually worry about everything on our “to do” list and what we need to get done for everyone else. Where is the compassion for you? Who is making sure that you get what you need? It can be as simple as 15 minutes of quiet, going to bed an hour early, or saying “no” to the party that you have no desire to go to. If you do not lookout for your own needs they will not be addressed.

In this hectic time of year please do some self-care. It is the best gift that you will give and receive. I promise.

Be well.

And then it hits

I was great, happy, smiling, having a pretty regular Thursday. I read blogs at work during my down time (mostly healthy living blogs). So I clicked on one that I read daily and knew from the post title. She was pregnant. The post was really cute and I am truly happy for anyone whom is expecting. But then it hits me… the anger, the rage blackout that I want to slip into and hit everything and everyone in my way. Yes, I know that punching is not the answer but it is how I feel. I can tell that I am slipping into the anger that I am allowing this event to control my emotions and thoughts. I know that I can fight back with positivity but there are moments when I come up blank.

I am not angry that this woman is pregnant, I am angry that it is SO EASY for people. That they plan to have a family, and try, and it works. That for everyone else (that is how it feels) it is that easy. No miscarriage, no testing, no sadness, just excitement and joy. Yeah, bitter much?

Some days it is easy and I am at peace with my journey but then there are other days where I am angry and pissed off at the world. Today may be one of the later.

I workout

I used to base my self-worth on how my body looked. I was the woman who worked out every day. Do not get me wrong I LOVE working out, the endorphin rush and energy that I feel afterwords is irreplaceable. I would freak out if I could not push myself hard and get a full 45- hour in. I would plan my days around my workout and make sure that I never missed, taking a day off was a HUGE no no to me.

Slowly when I realized that I based my worth on my body only things shifted. I relaxed just a teensy bit. I did not want to be the woman who freaked out if I missed a gym session, or if I ate 3 cookies. I realized that all of this pressure I felt came from me and me only. No one ever told me I was fat or ugly, I just had this drive from myself. It was also my stress relief from everything. When I was working out I was in the moment, not thinking about other things just what I needed to do for the next 15 reps. I loved feeling like I could leave it all behind for a while.

I also used to think that if I stopped working out I would blow up like a freakin’ blimp. Really, I did. I just thought that I would become this fat person if I did not get exercise in daily. Well…then I was told by the RE that I can no longer workout and all I can do is walk. I cried. I did not cry when he told me things did not look good (previous to all our testing), I knew that. It felt like I was put in a cage, here we are in a very stressful situation in life and this guy is telling me that I can no longer do the one thing that helps me escape and de-stress. SERIOUSLY WORLD, WTF?

That was in the beginning of October. After that appointment I decided that if I was going to do this and give it my all I would need to let this shit go. I would need to give it up and release my fear, I would need to try. So I did, I walked for an hour everyday (I still try to). Guess what, I did not blow up. I have gained some weight, also recommended for fertility (hormones need fat to travel and communicate in the body). So I have lost muscle definition, and the cellulite has increased (thanks genetics, boo) but I still fit in my clothes, and I feel alright. I am not going to lie, some days I feel like a pile of poo and all I want to do is lift and jump around until I am breathless. When I look in the mirror I do not see hate, I see understanding and release. I still have a beautiful body and I am lucky to be built naturally strong and on the lean side. It has been a serious adjustment but I am proud with how I have not gone crazy or beat myself up about it.

My self-worth is no longer my body and I am thankful for that. I am me and people love me for who I am, not if my abs are defined. Most important I love myself even if my abs are not defined and my thighs are a bit bigger that I am used to. It is okay and when we get pregnant I will only get bigger before I can work to get smaller right? Yup.

Life lately…

What has been going on this past week? Allow me to share some tid-bits.

– Thanks giving was great, we were with my side of the family this year (we alternate years).

– I made vegan gluten free real pumpkin pie, it was awesome. The coconut whipped cream was amazing and SO simple.

– I am really trying to appreciate the holiday time with family and friends. I know this time of year can get crazy but I am embracing it and trying (key word) to go with the flow.

– I know that fertility treatments will start in 2014 and I am 100% ready for life to get crazy in the best way possible. I do not think I have ever been so ready for a fresh start and new year, bring on 2014!

– The word LOVE has been bouncing around in my head. After this crazy year I know that LOVE has helped and pushed me in new ways. Both from family and friends, from our marriage, and from me. Learning to love myself has been the best thing EVER (thank you wellness coaching!)

Here are some pics from the holiday week:

New bedroom shlelf photo 2 photo 3