12 Months

There are so many emotions that come up when I think about my babies turning 1 year old. First I cannot believe that we have been parents for an entire year; it has been the most challenging and rewarding year of my life so far and I really have become stronger than I thought I was. There are times when I feel like a true mom and then there are moments when I still do not know what the heck I am doing and/or if it is right and best for my kids. I have a feeling that you never know if what you are doing is best, it is just part of the chaotic territory that is having kids.

It is hard for me to look at pictures from their birthday last year, so many feelings come over me and it is hard to comprehend what we have been through. I feel like the year mark is a big milestone for us as a family. I look at my little boy and I think about how ill he was when he came into this world and how much support we needed from our families. For two independent people we have needed so much support and help this past year. Without our families it would have been so much harder to navigate parenthood and Crosby’s hospitalization and recovery. To all of them, THANK YOU!

I have contemplated recently how I feel as myself after going through the past year. My body and mind have shifted for sure and I know there is no going back. I think about them first and myself second, I do everything for my family and sometimes get crabby that I cannot be selfish. There are moments when I still mourn what life was like with fewer worries. I need to start to take better care of myself in a grounded sense, I need to bring meditation back into my life, I need to cook healthier meals and treat myself with as much care as I treat my children. Slowly these needs are coming into sharp focus as I really feel that 1 year is the mark where things can shift a bit. We need to cultivate our marriage a bit more as there has been little to no time to really connect with each other. The basics need to come back into focus as survival has been on the forefront for so long. I pledge to myself to start this shift and work towards all of these goals in a way that is sustainable for our entire family.

We are having the babies birthday party Saturday and I am so excited to share this moment with the people who have been there for us this past year. I  am super excited for the cake smashing as well!

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You are one year old baby girl! I remember the first time I heard and saw you, the first time I held you and nursed you. I cannot believe that was a whole year ago. You have grown into such a beautiful and smart person. You love to watch everything and take your time until you dive into things. You do this thing where you open your mouth and throw back your head and it is so funny to you. You still only have two bottom teeth but I am sure that more are on the way. You are growing and getting taller, your face shape has changed and you look more and more like a little girl than a baby. You really like to read books and will sit and flip pages all on your own. You are such a good eater, I cannot think of anything that you do not eat, you really love green smoothies. You can “dance” now, really it is just you bouncing or shaking your butt around, I love it! You still wake up slow and take some time to warm up to the world. Your eyes are watching everything and you figure things out so fast. You learned how to crawl up stairs and LOVE doing it. You still love your pacifier and sleep with it every nap and night. You JUST started to go all night without needing a feeding, you still wake up and fuss sometimes but monkey helps and sometimes you are in bed with us. You can say dada, dog, and mama (only when you want to eat). You are getting closer to walking but I think we still have a while.

You are pure joy for me and I love you to pieces. You have taught me a lot this past year and I thank you for choosing me to be your mama. I love you with my whole heart.



You are one year old my boy! You have come so far from the first time I saw you, you were so sick and it was painful not to be with you every moment but your daddy took the best care of you. It is hard to think about what you have been through and I wish that I could take away all of the pain and memories that you have from that time but I know it is also what makes you o full of life. You smile and laugh at nothing at all, your laugh is infectious and you truly seize the day everyday. You are an adventurer and love to get into everything at all times. You are inquisitive and curious which are amazing qualities to have but it is tiring for me to keep up. You have six teeth and your chicklet smile is the cutest thing ever, you have this weird thing with textures now and really do not like a lot of meat unless I dip it in hummus first. You are a true fruit bat and love cherrios and fruit, bread with peanut butter too. You love to play with things that roll and will crawl around with a truck or box pushing it wherever you go. The stand up walker that we have is your crack, you cannot get enough if it and laugh as you literally run across the room holding onto it. You bowl over your sister and anything that is in your way. I think you will be walking within the next few weeks. The world is something for you to engage in and you love to touch everything first  to see what it feels like. You are getting better at sleeping and I cannot complain but there are moments when you are thrashing and kicking my stomach and it makes me so angry. Your first word is dog, you sometimes say dada as well; you are a true babbler though and have long conversations with yourself especially first thing in the morning.

You are my survivor and you have a strength that is amazing to me. You teach me how to slow down and take one great day at a time. Thank you for choosing me to be your mama and for being so brave, I want to take away all of the bad times but I cannot. I love you with my whole heart.